July 2011
6 posts
22 Year Old Me: Married 65 years...how did you manage? What's the secret?
Grandpa: I nailed a lot of prostitutes when I was in the service. Your grandmother never found out.
22 Year Old Me: That's...that's not actually...that's not really a very beautiful story really. Yet it's oddly inspiring.
Grandpa: You're whole generation is a bunch of damn pussies. Get me some more scotch before your mother notices how much I've already had.
Jul 28th
Trysten (8 year old): Hahaha, that squirrel in the back is really bad at leap frog!
Jul 26th
We’ve really been working on raising independent children.  Yesterday I took our 11 year old son to Men’s Warehouse to get fitted for a tux for my sister-in-law’s upcoming wedding.  He took his little tux, waited in line to get a fitting room and, when it was his turn, marched right in all without asking for any help from me. I was rather proud of myself and what a great job...
Jul 26th
Funny Hairless Monkeys
Trysten (8 year old): Wait, Chicago isn't a state?
Julian (11 year old): duhhh
Trysten: Well excuse me, I haven't learned geometry yet!
Jul 26th
Yes, I now realize there’s a big difference between saying Your parents must be assholes because you’re the shit! and Your parents must be assholes because you’re shit! Thanks Pickup Line Panda.
Jul 26th
How many times can you be told “there is something seriously wrong with you” in a day before it crosses into an “unusually high” number? 
Jul 26th
October 2010
1 post
The Starbucks By My House
Benito Mussolini runs the Starbucks by my house. If that’s not Mussolini then it’s a goddamn angry battle bear dressed as Mussolini wearing a black apron.   It’s imperative that you know exactly what you’re ordering before you touch the door handle.  If you don’t pre-game in the parking lot beforehand he will know it the minute you walk through the door.  Indecision...
Oct 7th
May 2009
1 post
Oh Danny Boy
Took a little heat for this tweet gem (Twem?) this morning: Debated if I could tweet, “ate Mexican bacon with Danny Gans this morning or if it was too soon. Decided it was too soon. So apparently I’m an “insensitive and irreverent asshole” that deserves “everything coming to you.” Frankly, I couldn’t agree more. I am an asshole most the time, but only...
May 1st
April 2009
3 posts
Apr 30th
You can’t sell horse tranquilizers to a midget!
Apr 30th
“a homosexual necrophiliac duck?? that’s comedy”
– Melanie
Apr 29th